permission to surrender

being relatable vs perfect

Dear wonderful humans,

I’m at my mother in law’s house, in the guest bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the floor, swallowing another piece of humble American pie. Outside the window, the PNW sky is grey. The trees are winter skeletons.

I’m missing my colors. I’m missing painting - being surrounded by my paintings (which is very different than being surrounded by other people’s paintings). And having the wall colors be the colors I chose. I’m missing being in a tropical climate where all my favorite colors are in the sky every morning and night. And the flowers are bright.

I’m scrambling to keep my voice (AI is trying to steal it).

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— listen to audio voice over for extra commentary bit here —

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I’m looking at my life and searching for a way to laugh about it.

“Oh, look at me being a little human mess.”

Wanderlust is scratching its way out of my guts. My deep deep soul is pleading — please take me to wide open spaces and let me EXPAND! And right now, Life, my beloved cruel teacher, is shoving a gnarly lesson down my throat…

SURRENDER

I’m toying with it right now.
How is it done?
What does it feel like?

In the moments when a part of me takes over, my nervous system reacts, my body gets tight, my parts tell me to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! How do I surrender?

Do I even want to surrender?
And if I do surrender, what will happen?

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I talked to my coach today. She asked me what’s going on in my world and I proceeded to word-vomit frazzled paragraphs of looping suffering. I’m sick of saying (and hearing myself say) the same things over and over.

“I wish I were in Bali.
I miss my art studio.

I want to make music but I don’t feel like making music either. I don’t like the wall colors in this room and living in a family house is so chaotic, I keep getting interrupted, can’t drop into deep flow state. I’m used to living in solitude for months on end, most of the year. I miss the places I go when I’m alone like that.

Did I mention I wish I were in Bali?

When I’m in Bali I move so slowly through life and think so clearly.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to surrender to being here or surrender to leaving here.

It’s not quite imposter syndrome but I certainly don’t feel like I’m inspiring right now. I’m used to feeling like a role model, living a very cool life in Hawaii or Bali and right now, I don’t think anyone would look at me and want to be like me.”

My coach (who is also one of my best friends) grabbed my toes and pulled me back down to earth.

Holding me down with a serious tone in her voice, she shoved a permission slip through the Zoom screen into my hand.

I pass it on to you…

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You are allowed to be human.

You are allowed to not make a decision right now.

You are allowed to be not where you want to be / thought you would be.

And as always, you are allowed to experiment and express yourself playfully.

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You are a dynamic being and everything you’re going through makes you more relatable. You are most inspiring when you are experiencing the full spectrum of human life.

xo,
cha

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